Driving home from the grocery store on a weekend afternoon, angry because they know nap comes after lunch,
Me: What do you want for lunch?
Madden: Yeah, because we don’t like nothing. We don’t like taking naps and we don’t like eating something!
Me: Here, Madden. You can wear these shorts.
Madden: Mom. I don’t want to wear those shorts.
Me: Why not?
Madden: Because they might be booby-trapped.
Madden: Mom. I wish we could put our roof in the middle of our house so it could be like a barn.
Fighting in the car while on the way home from daycare one afternoon; Emma brings up her Baby Alive doll AGAIN,
Madden: UGH. EMMA. STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR BABY ALIVE DOLL!
Emma takes offense at this point,
Emma: Well you’re going to go to the doctor and you’re going to get a poke-y shot on your eyeball and your nose and your ear and your head AND YOUR PRIVATES. That’s what’s gonna happen.
Madden: Well if you put fire on yourself, you will melt!
After finishing his meal before me,
Madden: I already beat you!
Me: Oh man. You’re fast!
Madden: Yeah! I beat you because I’m faster than you. Because I was running like exercise like this (mimics running), with knives. And I’m faster than you because you’re 29 and I’m 4 years old.
Emma: Mom, why do you never shop at Walmart?
Me: Um. Well. Because I don’t agree with their ethical practices.
Emma: But I LOVE Walmart.
Me: Well they treat people badly. And Daddy works for Target anyway. Sooooo…
When told to choose a movie together to watch and Emma tries so hard to talk Madden into her choice,
Emma: You’re gonna LOVE it, Madden. But you’ve never seen it before so you might not like it just a little bit but it’s going to be awesome.
Waiting behind an idiot driver who isn’t turning right even though no one is coming,
Madden: We’re gonna turn right?
Me: Yeah. As soon as this fuckface goes.
Madden: You mean as soon as the traffic is done.
Me: Yes. Same thing.
Eats one bite of his pancake,
Madden: Mom. I have the hiccups because I ate too much.
(He didn’t have the hiccups.)
Angry at me and in the back seat with my water bottle,
Madden: You are NOT my best friend anymore.
Madden: Why do you call me a liar? Huh? FINE! You can do that but then I’ll steal all the water from your water bottle.