Target of opportunity

So remember when I splurged and bought myself a Savage Swim bikini for my 30th birthday because I’ve been working my ass…well, technically on for the last nine months or so? No? Don’t recall that? Well I did that – I’m wearing it in that photo up there – and apparently it’s an issue for some people. Or was. Or something?

I’ve been wearing said bikini to the pool the entire time the pool’s been open this year. Literally every time we go, I have on one of three sports bras and my Savage Swim bikini bottoms (these ones). Well I guess two Sundays ago – Father’s Day – someone complained to the lifeguards about my “indecent” swimsuit being “flaunted” in a family environment. And the only reason she complained was because she got in trouble by the lifeguards for breaking an actual pool rule and was either embarrassed or angry or a combination of both and set her sights on someone else to complain about in order to make herself feel better. Enter me, the target of opportunity.

I had no idea any of this happened until the following day – a Monday – when the kids and I got to the pool. One of the lifeguards pulled me aside and gave me a head’s up that the head lifeguard was going to have to talk to me about my swimsuit because someone complained and made a big deal about it all the way to the HOA Property Manager. Like, what?

This lifeguard told me it was obvious that the woman complained because she was pissed about being called out for breaking the rules and felt the need to retaliate and place blame on…well, anyone (me). I thanked her for giving me a head’s up and told her I was going to keep wearing my TWO HUNDRED DOLLAR, CUSTOM MADE swim suit until the HOA said something to me. She was like, “Whatever, I don’t care,” because really, she didn’t care. And neither did anyone else – lifeguard or pool patron.

Fast forward to this past Friday, the start of Shannon’s birthday weekend. After being given a head’s up on Monday that the head lifeguard had to formally talk to me the next time we were both at the pool together, the weather turned to shit and we got busy and I didn’t make it back to the pool until that Friday.

So Shannon and I are tanning on Friday and the head lifeguard comes over and very politely and kind of awkwardly says, “Yeah, so I guess you’re not allowed to wear that anymore.” I sat up and thanked him for being the messenger and told him I didn’t want him to be stuck in the middle, but I wasn’t going to wear anything different to the pool. I pulled out the a copy of the pool rules pamphlet and told him that nowhere in the rules does it state anything about the level of coverage required for a swimsuit to be “acceptable”; that the ONLY sentence pertaining to swim attire states that all pool patrons “must wear appropriate swim attire (no jeans or t-shirts)” and pointed out that the qualifier “appropriate” wasn’t explicitly defined but that it did imply that “appropriate” means actual swim attire and not clothing and not the level of coverage of any given piece of swim attire, given the clarifying information in the parentheses.

He nodded and agreed but said that the HOA had received an official complaint and he had to pass on the word. I thanked him again, and again made clear that I wasn’t going to wear anything different to the pool.

Fast forward to Sunday, the next time we were at the pool. I walk in and stop at the sign-in table and tell all five lifeguards hanging out there that I’m wearing the same swim suit I’ve worn all summer and that I’m not changing. They all agreed that I shouldn’t have to. They all said that no one else has ever complained; that the lady who did complain was just pissed that she got in trouble for breaking an actual stated pool rule; that they’d never seen her at the pool before and haven’t seen her since; that they like us (me, Shannon, RJ, the kids); that they like my swimsuit; that I don’t flaunt the fact my swimsuit has a smaller cut; that all I do is lay around and read my book, tan and take photos of my well-behaved kids.

“So fuck it, wear it,” is basically what they said.

One of the lifeguards even said that after I pointed out the bit about the pool rules not explicitly stating how much a swimsuit should or should not cover, she talked to the HOA Property Manager and that the manager said, “Let her wear what she wants.”

So there, bitter lady from the neighborhood pool who got in trouble for breaking an actual rule and felt the need to unfairly take it out on someone. LOOK AT MY BUTT. My hard-earned, I-turned-30-this-summer butt, and all six of my abs (two for each kid I’ve birthed), because ain’t none of it goin’ nowhere. #middlefingeremoji

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